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Sigh. So went through several places to try to find out who has my student loans cuz often my tax refund is the main money I survive off of, as pathetic as my work history is due to minor inconveniences like my #disabilities and being homeless and random violence and shit.

They are threatening to contact my non-existent employer and garnish nonexistent wages and I don't really care because I can't work for anyone but myself, and barely at that.

I'm overexhausted because trying to get through to these people has always been a waste of time, because they have still always ended up taking my refund and thus making it that much harder for me to buy medicine and take care of myself and survive.

I tried. I've tried paying when I couldn't afford it. I've broken myself to file taxes for the years I worked.

But it's all just #abuseculture cuz it's never made a damn difference.

I wrote about the horror earlier this year, where I discovered the only ways to attempt to get a refund back were to have an eviction notice (which I had thanks to that racist from last year) or bankruptcy. I received no help or answers when I tried to prove my case or let them know, you know, my life was on the line.

What's the point?

It's always the same, whether it's #SSI rejecting me because I'm too disabled to have worked enough. Or #SSDI rejecting me because I can't fill out their paperwork right or on time or just because no one actually understands #chronicpain or cares about Black lives. Or services like in home help or other assistance denied me for arbitrary reasons.

To the best of my extremely limited ability, I've sought out what I needed, done what I had to do, done my best to comply with utter nonsense. I've even forced myself to work the way they wanted me to, always right up until it broke me months later.

It's really not for lack of trying, folks. It's really not. There's really no way through this shit.

This is your world. Smh. I did my best. I've always done my best. Fuck it. Just gonna focus on getting my health back to mildly functional. Functional enough to physically play with my kids every day instead of about once a week and enough to write at least once a week.

That's all.

Integrated Non-Monogamy, Metanoiac Alethiology, aro love terms, cuil fiction, & more; Speaker; Sensitivity Editor Cuil Press.

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