Tired Ain’t Got Nothin On Me

On avg, I get 20% restorative sleep, mostly in the morning hours that our early riser-focused society forces us night owls to miss.

That 20% is only from an avg of 5 actual hours sleeping. Because most nights I spend tossing and turning, in pain that never abates nor is cured, and meeting the demands of my overactive and constantly inflamed bladder.

I spend my spoons problem-solving, researching, and regulating expansive emotions brought up by constant threats on my life, other people's stunning apathy, and ridiculous nonsensical red tape.

I watch 50 new abusers gain power every day while dumb asses sit talking about "1st world probs". I watch my friends murdered, dying, and being abused yet never have time to mourn properly cuz healthy boundaries are "icky" in abuse culture.

I see crooked corrupt yte p pull claim mental illness for their lack of action rather than the cowardice and impotence it truly is. I see them claim trauma as if their bit of discomfort is in any way of the same kind and type as the oppressed.

I see them claim fragility and beg for protection from the reality of the oppressed, and they dare to say "sorry" as they reject me and my kin again and again.

I weary with the chorus of thousands of your fucking "no"s in millions of little ways every day. No to my life. No to my invisible pain. No to my sons. No to my queerness. No to my wisdom. No to my experience.

"There's not enough room" you say, as if the streets' space is a sufficient and rational alternative.

"I'll have to charge you more" even as you claim to be helping me.

"Can you do me a favor?" as if Black people were the ones stealing labor, bodies, goods, and land. As if your stupid ass guilt has any bearing on our lives! As if your emotional constipation needs addressing before you can behave in a moral fashion.

"Give us a chance!" you beg. "Don't be angry. Don't defend yourself, that's violent." As the state starves, beats, rapes, and tortures us.

"Don't give up" you have the fucking nerve to say as you slice up my options and turn your back on me - as the systems your twisted ancestors specifically put in place, to break me and do violence to me, tie the noose around my neck.

Fuck. You.

I don't believe you. I can't trust you. He IS your fucking President because this entire country and its exports of yte supremacy and racism and terror were specially built for you! Yes, you!

All I fucking wanted this past year was my need for safe housing met and to be left the fuck alone.

Instead I was abused, evicted, stalked, sued, investigated, forced to undergo surgery, traumatized, had my work and medicine stolen, my labor taken advantage of, worse health, missed out on jobs and conferences and other things that would have actually helped, have even more expenses, and an even more dangerous atmosphere to live in!

It's sick! It's barbaric. It's mean.

I have finally hit that wall of ultimate decision fatigue, where no matter what I do, either I will have to sacriice myself or my values.

Cuz we know how blood-thirsty you are; you're not satisfied unless there's unnecessary gore. After all, Adam Lambert sang it right "I'm here for your entertainment".

Integrated Non-Monogamy, Metanoiac Alethiology, aro love terms, cuil fiction, & more; Speaker; Sensitivity Editor Cuil Press. https://the-metanoiac-portal.mn.co

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