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This Ouroboros is a Cannibal

Sigh. Never felt so useless. I don’t know what to do for you. I just know I can’t be whatever it is, whatever y’all always want me to be. Hm, only know one man, really, who kind of doesn’t have this problem, but really it’s the same exact thing with every one of you.

I don't know if it can be fixed. I don't understand how you fear us yet you're the ones who are the danger. I don't understand why your fear has to be our burden despite everything, why your discomfort or pain outweighs our safety or agency. I don’t even understand the fear itself, or it's hold over so many.

I don't know the answer. I can't make any of you care. None of us can.

But unlike most, I can't compromise my humanity, my fullness, because so many bought into the lie that we are empty vessels to mold or pour into.

They maimed you, and with purpose, because look: you can't function when you realize the delusion isn't reality. Can't function when you didn't get what was promised. Can't function when we "can't be faithful"; whatever that means. Well, we know what it means; faithful like well-trained dogs bred to serve a master.

They damaged you so well it hurts you when we exist as whole people, when we say no, when we want or need things you never accounted for.

The pain is real but you think we are the source, or worse, the cure. Because you never learned to care for yourself it consumes you and anyone within the event horizon. No productive channels; you were taught the world must hold and ease your pain.

I don't know how to help you, most especially without cutting myself into bits to fit in the boxes they gave you to capture us in the wild. Without bifurcating my soul to "earn" the right to be treated decently. Without slicing off entire dimensions of self to not tower over you like you imagine I do.

I can't do anything for you you won't resent me for. Can't provide anything you won't hate me for. Can't support you without you sorting us into some sort of hierarchy.

I can't even exist without your judgment or approval, or the belief that it is necessary.

Damned if we do; damned if we don't. The ouroboros is a cannibal, but not in the reverent sense.

Integrated Non-Monogamy, Metanoiac Alethiology, aro love terms, cuil fiction, & more; Speaker; Sensitivity Editor Cuil Press.

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