My Black History: Work Life Balance and Other Myths

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Letter to the last employer that I worked for, sent in early December, edited for the privacy of several individuals:

Hey,

So as per usual, life hands me more than I can handle. I'm currently house-sitting for one of several friends currently in Standing Rock after being up North over Thanksgiving break to try to save money.

On top of fibro and endo pain, having to devote some of my dwindling funds to cover my sis' family for an emergency relocation, being unable to afford a babysitter (not that I ever could), ******(name redacted) teething and crawling, paperwork and packing, finding out that because of my most recent eviction I won’t be able to find housing, the fire in Oakland, and just like everything else I’m forgetting is even happening...

I'm not going to be able to do this transcript at all. I doubt I'll be able to do any of the longer ones going forward; not due to any incompetence or lack of willingness or ability on my part, but just because a peaceful, stable workspace for a consistent period of time is a luxury I haven't had and likely never will.

The depression has also finally caught up with me, and while EF has been my life-saver this year, it had been my main source of income but no longer can be. Though doing the longer transcriptions allow more flexibility, the time spent doing it (and the added effort I must put in to doing it with inferior unreliable equipment, health, and circumstances) is not nearly worth it.

I can still do the shorter transcripts, I don't believe I can adhere to the shorter timeline you require for the course transcripts.

I haven't even been able to finish writing most of my EF articles, and I'm thinking that's because the world still isn't remotely ready for someone like me. Upon seeing the thread going over the speaker's bureau and even on other threads it struck me that I am still far different to most of EFs writers and speakers. My years in academia are behind me, I'm an impoverished single parent, and contextually-integrated in ways that can't be bifurcated and made bite-sized for an audience that has somehow become even more hostile to me in these past few months.

I am not 101 and I never can be. I don't have the emotional or intellectual bandwidth to parse down my voice via extensive tailored editing.

And now, I'm really, really out of time. I had to bow out of the Sex Ed Conference, my best shot at establishing more paid opportunities that would have at least helped me buy my way past poor credit and evictions that were all placed on me against my disabilities, by others' racism and other crap, and just because people like me never really get a chance, anyway.

I feel alienated and abandoned by EF, I feel like I see everyone less weird than me is at least succeeding or receiving the help they need, I feel like I no longer have anything you value to offer, and that to receive the accommodations I need would be too much.

I have spent my entire life circling the drain, not because of anything inherent abysmal about my work ethic, my personal ethics, or anything like that. I have simply always been working 10 times harder for a fraction of the payout than anyone else, with everyone else shoving me back - worst of all doing it with "kindness".

I am now facing down something even dire, and because I am the bottom of the bottom, I have not one safety net to catch me if I fall. This country, this world, this place has sorely failed me. Since no one else can hire me, I have to work for myself and pray to every godde that one day, I won't have to wait anymore for any one person to finally treat me like a human being. For anyone to actually grok that I matter.

Every day since I was born, it has been a series of never-ending emergencies. A state of being I never complained about. Now, against all odds, it’s suddenly so much worse. Instead of adjusting and finally centering anyone like me, I see the status quo reassessing itself as once again, white folks are catered to and people like me are dying faster than ever.

I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I'm letting you know now, while I still can.

Sigh. Got errands to run so I'll get to it.

Thanks for bearing with me despite these rough edges.

Integrated Non-Monogamy, Metanoiac Alethiology, aro love terms, cuil fiction, & more; Speaker; Sensitivity Editor Cuil Press. https://the-metanoiac-portal.mn.co

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