In Response to Grammys, Celebrity Worship, and Undesirability Politics
*written in response to this article: http://wearyourvoicemag.com/more/entertainment/bittersweet-like-lemonade-aint-made-fat-black-women-femmes
I have always weighed too much to be acceptable. Even though most of my life I looked thin, I was still too big. At age 12, I already weighed more than many adult women, definitely more than the "recommended" amount for my height and age.
My intersex body plopping me in the middle of the range, I was too muscular and hairy and my extremities too big to be "normal". My endo left me with a big flabby belly. Doctors found my body disturbing and disgusting, with thinly veiled disapproval beyond the initial distaste for my darker skin.
My skin pockmarked by pustules and pimples - courtesy of my PCOS - I suffered through physically violating and painful exams after they tsked over my weight, as if "losing it" would undo the intergenerational and experiential trauma. They'd put clinical language over the size of my...anatomy before subjecting me to rape by medical equipment...
My weight during pregnancy was constantly an issue; they couldn't believe I dared to gain even more weight. They sought to control my diet rather than the root of my conditions. They failed to account for the ridiculous and overeager expansion of my breasts.
My thighs never had no damn gap. Yet I straddled that weird line between not appearing "fat" yet always being too heavy, not just for doctors but for partners; and too big for clothes designed for daintiness. I couldn't even be the right kind of fat; being this lopsided indeterminate mass wrapped in ugly impoverished and nerdy packaging.
Fat Black femme existence is already much too much. Of course they don't fucking want us.
But honestly; I never desired to fit into a world or clothes or with people not designed to interact with me in the first place. I do what I've always done: created my path in space by traversing new dimensions.
Force was never my way. Adele glorifies in her box as the protected yte woman. Bey played her role of coveted Black beauty. I'm not going to let obvious erasure slide, but I'm not going to pretend any of this purposely exclusionary culture can ever actually truly welcome me, either.