Ebony and Onyx Roots: Decolonizing Desire for Black Men, Or, Before You Step to Me!

by Rhizome

Context: Someone in one of the groups I'm in posted about the politics of dating, about white men and Black men. I went away because, as per usual, I'm not allowed to say any of what I actually need to say. [chuckles of the damned]

Then I came back to share...

Same.

I'm angry because I've purposefully educated myself to be open to many different folx and to be able to relate in minimally oppressive ways to a variety of different folx only to realize...

That the vast majority of folx I can clearly see, make space for, knowledgeably engage with are not FUCKING able to see, make space for, knowledgeably engage with me.

I'm so pissed about how low the bar is set for most folx who have sites of privilege where I experience oppression.

Here the conversation touched on Black men and I often don't articulate what is up with me and them. I've been out with...5 or so in my life. The last one, is an Ex, who I live with. I worry I may have finally been innoculated against any future interest in them. But when I actually stop being in reaction and think about what has happened to me, for me in this last relationship which ended a good many years ago, I realize that I'm not actually disinterested in Black men.

I'm disinterested in Black men who are not doing their work and who are actively resting on their laurels because the bar has been set so low for us but also by us.

I think Black cis men are hot but I fucking mostly steer clear of them *unless* they come with clear signs that they are unpacking our collective experience of the Middle Passage, not just as Black men...

But as folx who have sustained historical trauma, who are potentially the descendants of men who were raped, either historically or in more recent times in prison...

Who were raised either in the church or by folx who were raised in the church...who are thinking about how this has created body shame, sexual shame, whorephobia, slutphobia, misogyny, fixations on mono relationships, fixations on the Black family as a site of supposed heteronormativity...
IF they're unpacking christianity as a site of patriarchal power that has defined Black men of certain community standing as having dominion over the rest of us...don't fucking push me around, dude. I bite.

Are they thinking about pain as collective in these post atlantic slave trade times not as something that centers Black men?

Are they able to be small and quiet and happy about it when they're around me? Do they know how to not fucking manspread energetically and socially?

Do they think about gender and know how to not come to me with shit about African kings and queens, empresses, princesses cuz I will also consider shit talk like that as evidence of them self deselecting.

Do they know how to take care of their own homes and how to share space with me in ways that do not say I'm genetically predisposed to home maintenance?

Do they know how to take full not even HALF but FULL responsibility for the emotional maintenance of their own relationships?

Are they committed to accountability and transparency?

I'm all about exposing uncomfortable relationship tidbits. I don't fucking hide that stuff away. I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone who has been taught that the only way for a Black family to survive is to hide our shit away and bleed in private.

Do they know how to lie to folx in positions of systemic power over them while always being straight up with me? Sometimes folx get that one twisted because our families have had to lie and hide to survive.

Is their understanding of desirability raced, gendered, classed, ableist, ageist, fat phobic? Are they thinking about any of these things? Are they committed to discussing these things and not just when I bring the shit up?

Do they have a language of interrelational intimacy, of vulnerability and risk taking that they use and share with those who are close to them, a language that is not performative, cool, self protective, reactionary and that is definitely not based on the raw leavings of the family they came up in?

Are they healing a little bit each and every day?

Are they processing who they are, who we were a little bit more everyday?

Are they willing to share their healing journey as it unfolds?

Are they willing to intentionally and empathetically listen with focus to what I learn as I heal a little bit each and every day?

Are they willing to actively listen to what I have gathered as I attempt to process who I am every day?

Do they know how to center me, my concerns, my issues, my oppressions and my journey?

Do they know how to be wrong?
Do they know how to not get what they want?
Do they know how to compromise?
Do they know how to negotiate in good faith to an uncertain outcome?
Do they know how to lose?

Do they know how to have a reaction and then check in before they cause harm?
Do they know what a trigger is?
Do they recognize the voices of all the folx inside them?
Do they know how to go in, in, deep inside and dialogue with themselves and resurface all the wiser?

Do they know how to apologize?
Do they know how to make ammends?
Do they know the difference between someone trying to change them and someone trying to challenge them to evolve in ways that mean they must willingly change themselves?

Do they know how to be a Black man and be weak and unsure and gentle and building self esteem not as a reflection of what the culture or the media or family says is a Black man is but as a creature who is evolving in honesty and imperfection?

Yes, I know that most folx would need these things from whoever they dated. What I'm trying to say is that there is a way that me accepting any Black man because I'm Black is assumed. There is a way that the bar is lowered for me in terms of what I am told I should accept from a fellow middle passage sib who is a cisgender Black man.

That he is black, handsome, with job and "educated" should be enough I'm told.

I think that's fucking bullshit and that way too many Black cisgender men who are like...20%, 30%, 40% or even 80's or 90s visit my okcupid page and expect me to jump for joy because they exist as Potentials and don't understand why I don't see them as automatic Potentials.

I'm not looking for a Black man and will not be shamed into accepting one.

I'm willing to engage with a Powerful Sibling who is in process and can hold their own in interactions with me in ways that don't force me to do more emotional and intellectual labour than they even thought they'd ever need to do.

I'm not looking for a Black man.

I'm looking for accomplices who are fiercely invested in liberation and NOT as it was understood by the Panthers in the 60s. [rolls eyes]

Yes, a cognizance of who they were, of their historical significance and of their continued relevance today would need to be carried like a seed within them as it is inside me but...

Stop there?

Stop 50 something years ago?

Stop at a point even Black feminists who were there realized THEN was not going to ever be enough to get us all free?

Nah.

Dude needs to be bringing me some serious afrofuturism fer REAL and not just via a cool hairstyle or an African 2.0 new Brotha self naming.

I'm looking for an evolution of thought that parallels my Black intersectional feminism.

And NO I'm not interested in teaching anyone. Been there. Done dat. I'm so fucking tired, so fucking drained, so fucking annoyed about having thrown perfectly good energies into sucking holes.

I'm looking for someone to learn alongside and to perhaps be challenged by. And NOT challenged to rewind my analysis or to make it more palatable or less radical. Challenged to MOVE and drive and be more daring, to slay MOAR.

I'm not looking for a Black man.
I'd welcome a fellow melanated, misfit, hyper-processing, empathic, self risking, radically politicized Alien, though.

(stream of consciousness. left some things out, I'm sure. I may come back and fill in the gaps. we'll see.)

White dudes I'm giving side eye. This includes completely white passing dudes who are of colour. Whole other fucking story. SIDE EYE. SHIELD WALL!!