These arbitrary and irresponsible medical failures (the state repeatedly taking my insurance away for no reason) is literal torture.

Thankfully kid has snow day tmrw.

Cymbalta withdrawal and endo cramping too much today. Wasn't gonna be able to get his stuff together tmrw so worked out. Hopefully they'll let me sleep in. In pretty bad shape. No damn reason for this.

Didn't even finish my couple of tasks I needed to do today because every system in my body is fucked up, I'm lethargic, and I crashed (body literally shut down and put me to sleep) because they didn't consider the consequences of their actions.

Because they abruptly and unfairly cut off my insurance again, I have to undergo the horrible withdraw from a medicine that was supposed to help cuz it costs 300 bucks without insurance.

I have to waste energy and brain power I don't have right now correcting their mistake. I have to miss the appointments that I have had to put off for years already due to other bs. I have to yet again postpone surgery I desperately need and have no access to any of the medicines I truly need (the one pathetic one that I'm withdrawing from only treats two of my #disabilities, and one of those it only treats indirectly).

Even when I get insurance back, this has set my health back in such an extreme way. It affects everything else and I have become even more incapable than I was just before I started the meds again.

But the catch is I still can't rest or correctly care for myself. In fact, I now must do even more, to try to ensure that I actually get a fraction of the assistance I need, to ensure that I finally get that surgery, to make sure that the shit other folks should be making accessible are actually fucking accessible, and to make sure my kids' care is consistent.

I'm back to not being able to play with them or talk to them (let alone anyone) for any extended period. I'm back to the absolute minimum for getting anything at all done and everything is piling up again.

I'm hoping for a miraculous dip in symptoms next week when my noncycle will be over; the dip won't be sufficient to offer me anything that approaches an actual quality of life (and it never has; though the correct holistic treatments for ALL my conditions go a long way toward actually granting me with my basic capabilities) but it would give me just enough spears to fight my way through the simplest tasks.

It'll fuck me up worse down the line, but I've been forced to shorten my already shorter lifespan by borrowing from the end of it for so many years already.

THIS is what pisses me off the most. It's never anything like a person or petty shit or whatever else gets to people. I'm always livid because I know there is NO POINT TO MY PAIN NOR THE SHIT THAT AGITATES IT.

But what the fuck does my disabled Black ass know about anything, eh?

*And omfg if you mistake my pain for suffering, please stfu. Suffering is arguing with reality, and I ain't never been on that mess.

Integrated Non-Monogamy, Metanoiac Alethiology, aro love terms, cuil fiction, & more; Speaker; Sensitivity Editor Cuil Press.

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